Note: This is written for the Non-Fiction Project for A.Y. 2013-2014 1st Semester.
You are always gonna be my love
Even if I fall in love with someone once again
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
It’s still a sad song
Until I can sing a new song
– Utada Hikaru, First Love
I never had a crush or yearning for any male I have known for, including fictional characters, & excluding family and relatives, some time. That is, all but one. Who is he? Yes, laugh at me if you want to, because the story I have to tell is something I never realize much & has haunted me for the longest time: my crush is a wizard! Okay, he isn’t a wizard in real life, but he’s known for portraying one in the big screen, right? (Please note that, I’m not talking about witchcraft since we’re in a Catholic institution, it’s just all about my journey in learning about the fact I have crush feelings for my crush.) Oh yeah, he’s almost four years older than me too!
It’s all started with post-9/11 2001. My family was going around Makati (City), when we passed by underneath a tunnel at Glorietta, there it had a poster of a film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Philosopher, errr…, Sorcerer’s Stone. Of all things I saw in the poster, there’s this scrawny little boy with eye glasses, bushy eyebrows, and flat short hair.
At first, my first thought was ‘Nay, he (the boy) isn’t gonna stay long to survive all that!’ Of course, as a kid during the time where wizards were the next big thing, before shiny vampires & shape shifting were folks of Stephanie Meyer and fallen angels, my ‘innocent’ mind wasn’t into him then. As it turned in the years to come, he proved me wrong…
Almost a year passed by, Chamber of Secrets came out as a film. I was busying looking at the Entertainment section of Manila Bulletin, when he showed up! He looked a lot like the kid from the poster. At first, I didn’t care who on Earth he was then. Again, I just dismissed him as a mere person. Those Brits were strange! I thought. But when Christmas set in, my brother & I got our first copies of K-Zone magazine (back when it was new in the Philippines, imported from Australia 11 years ago; 2, to be exact), I found a seemingly angry teen in one issue, and the same little kid from the Sorcerer’s Stone poster and a dorky guy in the other issue. Then I found out that some guy shared the same birth month as I do. Some guy, eh?
What I didn’t know was that, for the next several years, I would eventually fall for this guy hard… Staring at newspapers, magazines, and the Internet, that’s all what I did with him, staring at him. As they always said, curiosity kills the cat! And it did that on me in the year 2007!!!
I wanna be with you now
Let’s shorten the distance with the two of us
We can still make it on time
We can start over
We can’t be as one
I wanna be with you
Someday even this distance
We’ll be able to embrace
We can start sooner
After all I wanna be with you
– Utada Hikaru, Distance
It was only in first year high school when I found out that I have a crush on him. I was having a hard time in freshman year in an all-girls Catholic school. Being a product of co-ed schooling, it was culture shock all the way, though not noticeable at first. I had to attend to subjects taught in Filipino without any help of translation. At that time, we had a recycling project, putting aside plastic bottles and newspapers for recycling. I wasn’t in a good mood then, and during free time while, I believe, no teacher around, I hid inside a cardboard ‘fortress’ my classmates unintentionally made. There, I found random sections of newspapers, and cut some pictures out, like movie posters, movie info for Bahay Kubo: A Pinoy Mano Po, and a picture of Smurfette.
Among of my treasures was a movie poster of some Aussie indie film called December Boys. At first, I thought, lame film, boring! Then I spied into a certain someone I have been unknowingly crushing on from 2002: him, him, my (no longer) secret crush!!! I scribbled some words: ‘Secret crush ko (hahaha)!’
Flash forward a year later; I transferred to another school where I graduated after 3 years. My brother graduated from elementary school, and it was a perfect opportunity to leave my horrible first year high school traumas behind. Then, something strange happened during our high school camp: during a quiz-bee game (the high school section is divided into 6 teams: my team was Deuteronomy), when we have to guess who are among the wealthiest people alive by Forbes Magazine, they wrote his name, and guess what, I got somewhat offended. So glad that we lost the question!
Then I found out from an Aussie tween magazine that he’s also a person with disability like me: he got a mild case of Dyspraxia (a neural disorder that affects one’s motor skills), & I got Asperger Syndrome (mild case of Autism). And before that, I learned we have our fair share of hard times, though not the same events though.
When the next year came, two crazy events happened to me, and one happened during my class’ practice for Filipino play based on Florante at Laura. I was reading a local teens’ magazine when one classmate caught me off guard. Then he asked me something. I then told something about my crush & everyone made a fuss out of it! Then it happened again in my Asian History class! We were tackling Iran. Iran, Persia in the old days, was where prophet Daniel was based at the time when he was unjustly thrown into the lion’s den yet was saved by God’s intervention. With a slip of the tongue, I mentioned about having a crush named after him! Then the one who started the mess soon said his (my crush’s) name! Everyone made a fuss about it.
Then during English time, we have some haiku & poems exercises, and I was paired with a friend of mine. We passed our haikus and poems, and when we returned our papers; his comment on my poems has my crush’s name on it! I suffered more. I was the laughing stock of the batch then. And just when I thought this strange crush on You-Know-Who will bring me more misery; it gave me a new outlet to express this strange crush on him. And it is in the form of a poem during Poetry class.
This time, during second year college, we were given an opportunity to write stone poems. The stone I found reminded me of a heart. It took me back to the time I realized about my crush on him who nearly ruined my high school reputation. I still long for him even though I know he’ll not be mine. I wrote my stone poem ‘Angel of Mystery’, for love brings to me a strange force I can’t comprehend.
And it goes like this:
I look at him with stares of a child.
He was an angel.
An Angel I would never encounter before:
His photo bleached in black & white like a silent film.
His gazes seemed to be appeared as if he’s gravitating
towards me as if like destiny.
A stranger that I strangely yearn for in my life.
But do I really yearn him, for what reason?
He is Mystery, a swift breeze in the wind that carried
me away in my mind. His presence haunts me fatally.
Yet still, I might have seen him before, maybe in the past.
I feel the Aphrodite in me, casting my eyes on him
that Adonis of a man in him.
My yearnings are locked inside by the key & lock of
my heart that I’ll never know. That Angel of mine.
Love is like cloaked in shadows; covered in a fog of intrigue.
Wrapped in gift wrappers of crushed velvet dreams.
You who enchanted me, please remember this.
Remember that I’ll never be yours forevermore;
But I shall still remember you, my Angel,
You’re the one who sent me on a whirlwind.
A whirlwind that sends me in ecstasy, the whirlwind
that is called Love.
Oh, Daniel. Why doesn’t your presence leave me alone? Your silvery gray-blue eyes haunted me. That caused that strange thing of mine for brown-haired, blue-eyed Brits like you, why, Danny boy? You are my male muse, my dear man. Strangely attracted to you. Daniel, your eyes, your presence and your name alone haunt me for more than a decade. Daniel, you’ll never leave me in mind. In the end, you taught me one thing I’ll never forget: love (even a mere crush on an undeniably hot actor like you) goes beyond culture, race, age, time and lifestyle. Thank you, Danny, for being a part of my love life.
Okay, here he is, my dreaded nightmare:
(Courtesy of Harry Potter Wikia)
English Lyrics of Utada Hikaru’s songs are from Anime Lyrics: http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/utada/.
My Stone Poem Angel of Mystery was written during the 1st Sem of A.Y. 2012-2013.
Where to find this guy: