Why I don’t want to kill Sims

When I was a kid, I had an encounter of the original Sims game. At first, I wasn’t interested in it, but I made up my mind & went for it. It’s playing Barbie dolls, only in the computer. There was one incident that made me vow to not kill any Sim again, unless I want it for a story or I just don’t like a Sim.

While I was playing with the Goth family (pre-Sims 2), I had Bella Goth cook some lunch. Then she burnt it and a fire broke out. It happened a few times I played with them, but this one would change everything. Mortimer, her husband, came in along with their kid Cassandra and a firefighter. It got so worse that even poor Morty got caught by the flames, and perished. It was silly of me to let them die a terrible death.  Some years later, I found out that Morty would do the same thing, that burned the old Goth house and his parents down! I didn’t knew Maxis and EA Games would do this, and my incident foreshadows it!

It wasn’t intentional, I know, but this incident made me to come up a resolve: no more killing Sims except for old age, storytelling and the Sims that I don’t like much (I got this funny idea of killing off nasty and evil Nick and Vita Alto of the Sims 3, I want to spare young Holly though (she’s a lot nicer compared to her bad seed parents, insert evil laugh!)).

Example of Fire-related Death in the Sims 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqfQSsFUr-Q


This is Autism in the Philippines

A Person with Autism, and proud of it, but not in a bragging and arrogant way!

Autistic BigBro


Enough has been said about the bigoted and hate-filled agenda of the for-profit hate group known as Autism Speaks, and why we Filipinos should be concerned. Evidently, the old windbag Suzanne Wright has always been myopic and microscopic about her perception of autism, as she failed to see the clearer details, and even the bigger picture.

View original post 486 more words

His Name is Daniel: A Memoir of that First Crush

Note: This is written for the Non-Fiction Project for A.Y. 2013-2014 1st Semester.

You are always gonna be my love
Even if I fall in love with someone once again
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
It’s still a sad song
Until I can sing a new song

                        Utada Hikaru, First Love

I never had a crush or yearning for any male I have known for, including fictional characters, & excluding family and relatives, some time. That is, all but one. Who is he? Yes, laugh at me if you want to, because the story I have to tell is something I never realize much & has haunted me for the longest time: my crush is a wizard! Okay, he isn’t a wizard in real life, but he’s known for portraying one in the big screen, right? (Please note that, I’m not talking about witchcraft since we’re in a Catholic institution, it’s just all about my journey in learning about the fact I have crush feelings for my crush.) Oh yeah, he’s almost four years older than me too!

It’s all started with post-9/11 2001. My family was going around Makati (City), when we passed by underneath a tunnel at Glorietta, there it had a poster of a film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Philosopher, errr…, Sorcerer’s Stone. Of all things I saw in the poster, there’s this scrawny little boy with eye glasses, bushy eyebrows, and flat short hair.

At first, my first thought was ‘Nay, he (the boy) isn’t gonna stay long to survive all that!’ Of course, as a kid during the time where wizards were the next big thing, before shiny vampires & shape shifting were folks of Stephanie Meyer and fallen angels, my ‘innocent’ mind wasn’t into him then. As it turned in the years to come, he proved me wrong

Almost a year passed by, Chamber of Secrets came out as a film. I was busying looking at the Entertainment section of Manila Bulletin, when he showed up! He looked a lot like the kid from the poster. At first, I didn’t care who on Earth he was then. Again, I just dismissed him as a mere person. Those Brits were strange! I thought. But when Christmas set in, my brother & I got our first copies of K-Zone magazine (back when it was new in the Philippines, imported from Australia 11 years ago; 2, to be exact), I found a seemingly angry teen in one issue, and the same little kid from the Sorcerer’s Stone poster and a dorky guy in the other issue. Then I found out that some guy shared the same birth month as I do. Some guy, eh?

What I didn’t know was that, for the next several years, I would eventually fall for this guy hard… Staring at newspapers, magazines, and the Internet, that’s all what I did with him, staring at him. As they always said, curiosity kills the cat! And it did that on me in the year 2007!!!

I wanna be with you now
Let’s shorten the distance with the two of us
We can still make it on time
We can start over
We can’t be as one
I wanna be with you
Someday even this distance
We’ll be able to embrace
We can start sooner
After all I wanna be with you

                              – Utada Hikaru, Distance


It was only in first year high school when I found out that I have a crush on him. I was having a hard time in freshman year in an all-girls Catholic school. Being a product of co-ed schooling, it was culture shock all the way, though not noticeable at first. I had to attend to subjects taught in Filipino without any help of translation. At that time, we had a recycling project, putting aside plastic bottles and newspapers for recycling. I wasn’t in a good mood then, and during free time while, I believe, no teacher around, I hid inside a cardboard ‘fortress’ my classmates unintentionally made. There, I found random sections of newspapers, and cut some pictures out, like movie posters, movie info for Bahay Kubo: A Pinoy Mano Po, and a picture of Smurfette.

Among of my treasures was a movie poster of some Aussie indie film called December Boys. At first, I thought, lame film, boring! Then I spied into a certain someone I have been unknowingly crushing on from 2002: him, him, my (no longer) secret crush!!! I scribbled some words: ‘Secret crush ko (hahaha)!’

Flash forward a year later; I transferred to another school where I graduated after 3 years. My brother graduated from elementary school, and it was a perfect opportunity to leave my horrible first year high school traumas behind. Then, something strange happened during our high school camp: during a quiz-bee game (the high school section is divided into 6 teams: my team was Deuteronomy), when we have to guess who are among the wealthiest people alive by Forbes Magazine, they wrote his name, and guess what, I got somewhat offended. So glad that we lost the question!

Then I found out from an Aussie tween magazine that he’s also a person with disability like me: he got a mild case of Dyspraxia (a neural disorder that affects one’s motor skills), & I got Asperger Syndrome (mild case of Autism). And before that, I learned we have our fair share of hard times, though not the same events though.

When the next year came, two crazy events happened to me, and one happened during my class’ practice for Filipino play based on Florante at Laura. I was reading a local teens’ magazine when one classmate caught me off guard. Then he asked me something. I then told something about my crush & everyone made a fuss out of it! Then it happened again in my Asian History class! We were tackling Iran. Iran, Persia in the old days, was where prophet Daniel was based at the time when he was unjustly thrown into the lion’s den yet was saved by God’s intervention.  With a slip of the tongue, I mentioned about having a crush named after him! Then the one who started the mess soon said his (my crush’s) name! Everyone made a fuss about it.

Then during English time, we have some haiku & poems exercises, and I was paired with a friend of mine. We passed our haikus and poems, and when we returned our papers; his comment on my poems has my crush’s name on it! I suffered more. I was the laughing stock of the batch then. And just when I thought this strange crush on You-Know-Who will bring me more misery; it gave me a new outlet to express this strange crush on him. And it is in the form of a poem during Poetry class.

This time, during second year college, we were given an opportunity to write stone poems.  The stone I found reminded me of a heart. It took me back to the time I realized about my crush on him who nearly ruined my high school reputation. I still long for him even though I know he’ll not be mine. I wrote my stone poem ‘Angel of Mystery’, for love brings to me a strange force I can’t comprehend.

And it goes like this:
I look at him with stares of a child.

He was an angel.

An Angel I would never encounter before:

     His photo bleached in black & white like a silent film.

His gazes seemed to be appeared as if he’s gravitating                            

      towards me as if like destiny.  

A stranger that I strangely yearn for in my life.

But do I really yearn him, for what reason?

He is Mystery, a swift breeze in the wind that carried

    me away in my mind. His presence haunts me fatally.                       

Yet still, I might have seen him before, maybe in the past.


I feel the Aphrodite in me, casting my eyes on him

   that Adonis of a man in him.

My yearnings are locked inside by the key & lock of

   my heart that I’ll never know. That Angel of mine.                               

Love is like cloaked in shadows; covered in a fog of intrigue.

Wrapped in gift wrappers of crushed velvet dreams.

You who enchanted me, please remember this.

Remember that I’ll never be yours forevermore;

But I shall still remember you, my Angel,                                                      

You’re the one who sent me on a whirlwind.


A whirlwind that sends me in ecstasy, the whirlwind

  that is called Love.

Oh, Daniel. Why doesn’t your presence leave me alone? Your silvery gray-blue eyes haunted me. That caused that strange thing of mine for brown-haired, blue-eyed Brits like you, why, Danny boy? You are my male muse, my dear man. Strangely attracted to you. Daniel, your eyes, your presence and your name alone haunt me for more than a decade. Daniel, you’ll never leave me in mind. In the end, you taught me one thing I’ll never forget: love (even a mere crush on an undeniably hot actor like you) goes beyond culture, race, age, time and lifestyle. Thank you, Danny, for being a part of my love life.

Okay, here he is, my dreaded nightmare:


(Courtesy of Harry Potter Wikia)

English Lyrics of Utada Hikaru’s songs are from Anime Lyrics: http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/utada/.



My Stone Poem Angel of Mystery was written during the 1st Sem of A.Y. 2012-2013.

Where to find this guy:


Personal Thoughts on Post-Colonialism Theories

Post-colonialism deals with the conditions that have affected both so-called First World & Third World countries after colonialism. It is similar to the master and subject relationship: the master takes the subject’s right to speak, to literacy; have them diverted to ‘other rules’, etc. in other words, the subject just becomes into a ‘shadow’, unable to speak because of the wrongdoings of the Master.

The theories under it has made the author to think and reevaluate her status in society. She dreads the West for the mistreatment of the East, their greediness and cruel treatment, and their horrible mistakes. She finds them very interesting and thought-provoking. It lets her understand the current issues of the world in globalization. Born in the US, Chinese in blood, Filipino-American in citizenship, Filipino in mind and heart – why so complicated for so many people in the East: the so-called Other? She believes that the West is so insecure (even until today) that they decided to impose their so-called ‘superiority’ onto others, so they can feel better, but it doesn’t work always. They do make their presence known even they left, through various ways & sources of media, what a complicated world to live in.

Don’t get her wrong. It’s her opinion of the West & their so-called ‘superiority’. They’re mostly shallow, like the shallowest part of the sea: it’s never enough for them to be better than others. In a way, yes; in another, they didn’t. She prays one day that they will stop using those wretched labels on them and others, and learn that everyone is equal in humanity & no one is no better than others in certain ways. That, she hopes, will happen in the near future…

The ‘Pretty Boy’: Applying Sedgwick into the Kritios Boy

Camille Paglia mentions in the section Pagan Beauty from her book Sexaul Personae: Art & Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson of the Kritios Boy. She said that the Kritios Boy is a mix of the Apollonian and Dionysian concepts: he’s the muscle structure of a man, yet has dewy girlishness of a woman. Back in ancient Greece,  homosocial and homosexuality weren’t so bothersome compared to today in some communities.  Older men taught these young boys, at the time women were denied a right to be educated. What’s to do with queer studies? The author will do some application with  Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick‘s essay Between Men.

Sedgwick explains of the concept of the male homosocial desire, which is marred by homophobia, fear and hatred for homosexuals; she then also notes that ‘Our own society is brutally homophobic; and homophobia directed against both males and females is not arbitrary or gratuitous, but tightly knit into the texture of family, gender, age, class, and race relation.’ She then makes note of K.J. Dover‘s study Greek Homosexuality and puts further stress that homosexuality among men then was widespread, illicit and somewhat influential (for some parts) in Greece in the ancient times. She said that the pursuit of the young boy, on the verge of manhood, by an older man is stained with  stereotypes that come with romantic heterosexual love (conquest, ‘cruel fight’, etc.), but she also pointed out that this usually doesn’t last long, for the boy will become a man soon. Still, she stated that it had a powerful effect in a boy’s education: with Dover quoting from Pausanias in Plato’s Symposium, ‘that it would be right for him (the boy) to perform any service for one who improves him in mind and character.’ It’s relationship of mentor-ship.

Back to Paglia’s observation of the Kritios Boy & the beautiful boy. Paglia made a similar observation of male homosocial desire, saying the beautiful boy is desired yet he never desires for love, an adolescent stuck in between a female past and a male future, a girl-boy, as she described him with his masculinity blurred like a clouded fragment of ancient glass. She then compares him to other statues of the time and discovers similar features in them: ‘These youth have a distinctly ancient Greek face: high brow, strong straight nose, girlishly fleshy nose, full petulant mouth, and short upper lip… the face of Elvis Presley, Lord Bryon, and  Bronzino’s glossy Mannerist blue boy.’ She also quotes Sigmund Freud who too observed the androgyny of the Greek adolescent: ‘Among the Greeks, where the most manly men were found among inverts, it is quite obvious that it was not the masculine character of the boy which kindled the love of man; it was his physical resemblance to woman as well as his feminine psychic qualities, such as shyness, demureness, and the need of instruction and help.’ But alas, she also made disturbing observations of the bad notion of boy-love in the present day, saying that is now not only scandalous and a criminal offense, but, somehow, a bad taste in its self; yet beauty has its own laws that are far inconsistent with Christian morality.

What Paglia and Sedgwick observed is quite interesting: the beautiful boy is androgynous, and  does really attract homosocial desire of a man of the time, all because of his mistaken physical appearance of a woman, or, girl and his ‘feminine’ psychic qualities reflecting from him.  Back then in Ancient Greece, it was a common thing  for boys to be taught by older men; in exchange, these boys give them emotional stability. Today, it is seen as a morality crime. They must have agreed that one thing is certain: the  beautiful boy is now in moral scrutiny of the present day. Many religions (mostly Judeo-Christian religions) have teachings against homosexuality.

The author has known of some well-known LGBT personalities and persons whose names, for privacy reasons, are not mentioned but should be acknowledged.  She also knew of a childhood celebrity crush who has gay friends since childhood, and was awfully  disturbed by hurtful insults thrown in (high) school, though she isn’t really sure if he was the target, though his gay friends were obviously hurt, and has, ever since, worked with US-based help hotline LGBTQ-oriented organization The Trevor Project for a few years (and counting).

Hopefully, this article can help others in understanding the existence of the brutally hurt LGBT community, and why are they despised by society, and that it has connections from way back to Ancient Greece, where it has to do with a young boy’s education of their time.


Leitch, Vincent B. The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism. New York City, New York, United States of America: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 2001.

Paglia, Camille. “Pagan Beauty.” Sexaul Personae: Art & Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson. New Haven: Random-Vintage, 1990. 99-139.

A Feminist View of Mind: A Personal Reflection on Feminism

Feminism is a theory that deals with the ever-changing view of women in many ways: it could be in media, real-life, obviously everything. In short, feminism talks about the condition of women in past, and present. While not discussing about any essay in general, the author would like to talk about feminism in general. This is something that intrigues many people, even men (surprisingly), and many college students has a great sense of respect for, and dedicated their theses to.

To be honest: the author is glad that men and women are slowly getting an equal footing in almost every aspect of life and society. Many women have found their voice & place in life & society. Something that many women wanted to express on. It has been a long way from Mary Wollstonecraft’s A Vindication of the Rights of Women published during in-between the Scientific and Industrial Revolution. Feminism today has been one of the most interesting theories found in the academia.

The condition of women have changed over the past years. Before, many women are in the house, looking after the household and the children. That was their fate, that is, several generations later… Many doesn’t just stay at home, and/or look after the household and children: many can work to earn a living, take part in current events and issues, and voice out their opinions, just to name a few. Yet, there are some issues that have to settle down over the years: things such as like rape, domestic violence, poor treatment in life, etc. While there are efforts done by many individuals and the government all over the world to address these issues, there are still untold stories of pain and resentment that have yet gotten justice for these poor women who need help to make themselves independent physically, socially, emotionally, psychologically and  spiritually. These vary from one country to another: each with various different needs that women really need to obtain to be free from the shackles of pain inflicted to them unjustly by their oppressors.

The author, as a woman, can understand how this can affect her as well: in her gender, as well as her sexuality. It have been her concern to understand why there are some issues that have affected women in the past still persist & have yet to end soon.  Hopefully, in the future, these issues and abuses done onto women will end once and for all in a honorable manner; something many are hoping to go well.